I’m having another surgery.

I had an MRI on Saturday, and my surgeon called mum on Wednesday. Based on my symptoms, the benefits outweigh the risks, and we need to do it soon before I deteriorate any further. My spinal cord has re-tethered, they think it’s been like this since 2019, but back then, it wasn’t worth the risk.

I knew something was wrong. It is not normal for toes to go numb, for legs to feel weird, to not be able to react as fast because of the pain. I have known something was wrong for years, but now it’s worse, and I now have the hardest year of my life ahead of me.

I suppose one of my coping mechanisms is writing letters to myself on my notes app, maybe one day I’ll share all of them, but for now, here’s this one. Taking inspiration from Dear Evan Hansen may not be the way forward, but if it works, it works. Here goes nothing…

Hey Abs,

This is not going to be a fun one but I really need to get this out, and who best to write to than myself…

You were right. All these years feeling like something wasn’t quite as it should be, you were right. Mum told me yesterday, she drove up to Bournemouth with Charlie and we met dad at the train station and they told me in the car. You knew it was coming, I mean how couldn’t you. 7 whole years of pain, very slow deterioration, and forcing yourself into situations that frankly, knowing now that your spinal cord has most likely been tethered this whole time, you shouldn’t have been able to do. 

It is not normal for toes to go numb, it is not normal to still be in pain when you lay in bed, it is not normal for your legs to feel both heavy and like they are floating when you sit down, and it is DEFINITELY not normal to be losing your balance when on two feet and not doing anything.

I think I am relieved? I’m also fucking terrified. All of the possible outcomes are running around my head at a million miles an hour, not really leaving space for anything else. What if I lose everything? What if I can’t play football anymore? What if I can’t play Ultimate Frisbee anymore? What if I can’t be a physio the way I wanted anymore? What if I never walk again?

What if, what if, what if…

It’s relentless, there’s no end. I’m exhausted, and on top of it all, I’m on placement, so I don’t have the time or the brain capacity to deal with this the way I need to. I don’t want to internalise it like I did with my tumour, I might implode if that happens again, but how can I not when I have to compartmentalise to see patients who are also at their lowest?

We’ve spoken to the uni, they are being amazing. I can carry credit if I need to, I can pause the course if recovery doesn’t go to plan. I have 5 years from the start of the course to qualify, so there’s time. They are trying to sort parking for me for next year so I don’t have to walk as far to get to my lectures, I’m having another meeting with my disability advisor to reassess my arrangements and I’m going back to counselling to prevent the spiral, to prevent the self destruction.

I feel like I’m being held together by Blu-tac and Sellotape. Everyone says I’m so strong, but what if I don’t want to be anymore? I feel like I just want to break down and cry, every minute of every day, because IT HAS BEEN 7 YEARS. I can’t live like this anymore, something has to change, and that is why I’m going through with it – either way I may end up paralysed at the end of it so how’s it different?

But I’m going to leave it here now, because otherwise this letter will never end. Just remember that you were right, you’re not crazy, you didn’t make it up, and something is wrong – even though your brain is telling you that it’s fake. 

Sincerely, me

Editors note: knowing now that my spinal cord has probably been tethered and stretching for 7 years, it has made all my achievements even crazier than they were before. I have won the U18s Sussex Football League, reached the county cup final three times (winning once), played netball and football at college, scored a point in men’s South West Division 1 Ultimate Frisbee, scored 2 points, got an assist and an interception at Men’s Ultimate Frisbee Nationals and competed in Mixed Beach Nationals, all while essentially having a ticking time bomb in my back. I should not have been able to do all of that, lets just hope I can keep playing sports at that level after my recovery.

Thank you for reading

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