As the time ticks down, getting closer and closer to my surgery, the more I become confused. On one hand, I’m terrified, less of the surgery, more of everything that comes after. On the other, I’m relieved. What if this fixes all of my problems? What if it stops my feet from going numb and it gives me my standing balance back?
I think being a student physio has both helped and hindered this waiting process. Maybe I know too much, but maybe I know just the right amount to be able to rationalise it. We haven’t done our neuro or MSK units yet, and I think that is a blessing in disguise. If I had done those, I would 100% know too much, I would know the risks, I would know the plans, I would try and physio myself. But because I haven’t done it, I won’t damage myself (and it’ll give me a leg up having gone through it all before learning it I suppose!).
My parents bought me a wheelchair last week. I am hoping that it gives me the freedom I need over the summer while I’m still exhausted, and I may even need it when I go back to uni. That is not the plan though, just an option, if I have the choice, I will go back to uni without it. However, if it gives me the freedom to do everything I want to, then it will be coming.
Everything is still up in the air. We still have no idea of the outcome, but I have a good feeling that everything will be ok. Yes there are risks, yes the risks are terrifying. But my gut is telling me I will be back to tearing up the football/frisbee pitch soon enough. I need to be, for my mental health, but also for my team, and be the vice-president that everyone deserves.
All I want to do is drive long distances again, be able to go karting again, qualify for the championship next year. That depends on recovery of course, but I was robbed of it this year so why would I not make that my goal?
I am not ready for the rehab that comes first, but if I reframe it as training instead of rehabilitation, then maybe my brain will stick to it better. I need to do this right, this will frame how the rest of my life goes and it is not something that I can be comfortable doing.
“Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable” – Abi Paine, 2025
I seriously need to learn to listen to myself. Of course, I said this in relation to training hard, pushing yourself beyond your own limits to better yourself, but the next few months of my life is gonna suck big time, and I need to be ok with that.
For one, I am going to share the best bits, the worst bits, the highs, the lows and everything in between. That in itself if uncomfortable. I am going to (once again) put my voice on social media and that is terrifying. I normally just press post when it is a video or voice over, but this time I’m going to check. I’m going to get it right, not just for myself, but for other people going through the same thing too.
Instagram is offering a months trial of Meta Verification, we will see if this makes a difference. And if it does, then maybe with my birthday money, I’ll extend it for a few months. Yes it is expensive, yes it is probably useless, but I won’t know if I try. If you don’t already, please go follow my Instagram and TikTok linked at the bottom of this post. I really would appreciate it <3
But for now, I hope you enjoyed this really backwards post…I think it properly represents my brain at the moment if I’m honest. Have a great week and I will see you all soon!
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